Author: WFMH

Emergency Oatmeal

WFMH

Listening to: Death Atlas- Cattle Decapitation , or alternatively, you could listen to whatever the fuck makes you happy right now

Uncooked oats, yum yum!

‘Sup fuckers! Uncertain times call for usual coping mechanisms, which includes my grand return to my cute little blog I forget I have, with the rant at the end if you care to read it. Here’s a recipe for some oatmeal I bring to work so I have something low-cost to munch on. Fuck those disgusting little flavor packets, you can make your own with a lot less packaging and minimal effort.

Emergency Oatmeal- Yields about 3-4 servings depending on how many feelings you’re dealing with

  • 2 cups quick oats (from a 25# bag you keep for these occasions)
  • 1/4 c brown sugar
  • 1/2 t cinammon
  • 1/2 t nutmeg
  • 1/4 t cloves
  • Optional: raisins or other fruit fruit if that’s your thing

0. If you don’t have brown sugar, it’s easy to make if you happen to have molasses and white sugar: mix about a cup of white sugar with a few tablespoons of molasses until it’s the darkness you’re used to (the brown sugar, not your inner demons).
1. Mix all the ingredient together. Note that I don’t actually measure my spices, I just give a shake-shake until it looks like enough. Add more oatmeal if you manage to fuck it up.
2. Shake some of the oatmeal mix into your microwave-safe bowl and cover it with water so it’s soaked but not a huge soup, ya dig? Blast it for maybe 99 seconds, keeping an eye on it to make sure it doesn’t explode. Alternatively, you could do this on the stovetop and cook for longer, but that’s another dish and more time.

Look what a fancy container I have to keep this in at work, I am just the definition of bougie, aren’t I?

Okay, so the past few weeks have been crazy. Many of you don’t have an open workplace to bring your frugal oatmeal to anymore. Everyone is adjusting to a new normal these days and it’s hard. Cattle Decapitation really started something when they busted out their single “Bring Back The Plague”. If you sing the refrain, using your most creative interpretations of Travis’ vocals and controlling your timing, it’s almost 20 seconds long to wash your hands to.

If you can, buy some merch from your favorite bands so they can stay afloat while they’re having to postpone or cancel their tours. This is a great time to work on your battle jacket. Do your best Chopped (in Half) meal plans getting creative what you might have left in your pantry. I know you like to feel evil, but you probably have a backlog of bathbombs, special soap, or whatever you’ve been saving for “the special time”. This is the special time. Look better than you feel. Master your wingged eyes for your corpsepaint. I believe in you douchebags, okay? <3

Debauchery Strawberry Jam

WFMH

Listening to: Slowly We Rot – Obituary

Two batches of jam and one batch of vinegar experiment, see bottom of post for details.

Strawberries are here for a few weeks, let’s make some tasty jams!

Save the tops! I’ll explain after the pics of alien-looking strawberries!

Strawberry Jam – Yields 9 half-pint jars

  • 3 lbs smashed strawberries, tops removed
  • 1 lemon, zested
  • 1/4 cup lemon juice
  • 6 Tbsp pectin, no/low sugar powdered form
  • 3 cups sugar (or 6 cups if using regular pectin)

Special Equipment: water bath canner/large stock pot with lid and rack for the bottom, jar lifter or tongs with rubber bands

0. Prepare the water bath canner, fill with enough water to cover the jars by at least 1″, bring to a boil. Put a small plate in the freezer, to check for jelling. Have the clean jars with lids and bands ready to go.

1. Combine strawberries, lemon zest, and lemon juice in a 6 qt heavy bottom saucepan or pot on high heat. This is usually when I smash the strawberries, I don’t mind if they’re a bit chunky. Add the pectin and bring to a boil, stirring frequently.

2. Dump all the sugar in and stir to combine. Bring it back to boiling. As tempting as it may be, don’t stick your finger into this molten lava. Boil hard for a minute or so. Bust out that plate you put in the freezer, drop some jam on it. Push it with your finger, if it wrinkles then it’s set. If not, put the plate back in the freezer and keep cooking the jam for another minute or two and check again. Worst case scenario your jam doesn’t set and it will be a great topping for waffles.

3. Ladle the jam into the jars, leaving 1/4″ headspace. Give them a lil rim job, place the lids and bands.

4. Process in a boiling water bath for 10 minutes. Remove the jars and let them cool. Listen for the pings, they energize you as much as this Florida death metal.

Adapted from a USDA tested and approved source.

You’ll notice the fruit chunks float to the top of the jar. If you don’t like that for some reason, you could purée the fruit instead and that would help. You could go the extra mile and strain the seeds out with a fine mesh sieve to make jelly if you wanted to. You do you, bud.

We picked a flat of strawberries and enjoyed the carnage leftover.

I am privileged to live near some great farms. Enjoy these fucked up local, organic strawberries I canned:

I shrieked when I found this chungus.
Looks kinda Aborted, doesn’t it?
There’s a surprised face on the right side if you look closely.

What’s with the container with strawberry tops?

I’m attempting to make a fruit scrap vinegar with the tops. You know how you can find those boutique fruit vinegars and they’re expensive as hell? I’m trying to make some of that. This is essentially a low-cost and zero waste way to do that. The tops have a bit of fruit on them, and as long as there aren’t any moldy pieces, it should work.

I cut the tops off of 4 flats of strawberries and added them to my 4 qt container. I added water and 1/4 c sugar, and covered it with a piece of cloth and a rubber band. I’m going to keep an eye on this and stir it every day for a week or so until the water turns a bit dark. If it gets moldy I’ll pitch it, but if it doesn’t I’m going to strain it and let the mixture acidify for a month or two. Eventually it will form a scum layer that is known as a “mother of vinegar”, like the kind you see at the bottom of Bragg’s unfiltered apple cider vinegar. It’s different from a kombucha SCOBY, but kind of the same concept.

I’ll update either way. I’m hoping to make some strawberry vinegar to use as a base for salad dressing and for mixed drinks.

Pardon my basic bitch Snapchat photo, but I wanted to show you the comical amount of strawberries I processed. I ended up freezing most of them to process at a later date, more posts to follow.

Some Images From a Wholesome Outing to Pick Fruit

Picking berries is a nice activity, even for your local misanthropes.

Heavy Metal Nettle Pesto

WFMH1 Comment

Listening to: Thornsmoat by HVØSCH (the soundtrack to my untimely death)

What’s more BRVTAL than going out to the forest and picking stinging plants with your favorite bandmates? Okay, I can think of a few things, but this is pretty badass. Stinging nettles grow pretty much anywhere, I collect these from the bog 2 blocks from my house. 

Stick that green shit on everything!

Nettle Pesto- Yields 1.5 cups 

This recipe is *not* for canning, due to the dairy and oil. You could freeze it in an ice cube tray or something else to portion it nicely.

  • 1/4 lb of stinging nettles, leaves only, which for me was one small produce bagful. It might look like a lot, but it will shrink down considerably when blanched. 
  • 1/2 cup grated parmesan or grana padano 
  • 1/4 cup walnuts, or pine nuts if you’ve got the dough
  • 1 large lemon, zested and juiced
  • 3 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 1/4 cup olive oil, probably more as needed
  • 3 Tbs salt
    Special equipment: Blender or mortar and pestle or food processor

0. Collect the nettles. I recommend using gloves, maybe you’re more TRVE than I am. Pick only the new growth top 3 or 4 leaves on each plant. Rule Number One of foraging is “Don’t Be a Dick” and leave some for others, even when it’s a pest plant like nettles are. You never know who wants this garbage other than your crunchy ass. 
1. Blanch the nettles: Boil water in a large pot. Prepare an ice water bath, keep in the fridge until it’s needed. After washing the nature out of the nettles, plop them all in the boiling water, or in batches if you have a small pot. Boil the nettles for about 2 minutes and use tongs to dunk them into the ice water to stop them from cooking any longer. This deactivates the stinging part of the plant. Taste the blanched nettles, don’t be a pussy. Know your raw ingredients. Remove the nettles from the ice bath and wring out the water. All of the nettles you collected should be the size of a baseball. Roughly chop these, no need to get fancy with it.
2. Add the cheese, nuts, lemon juice and zest, salt, garlic, and about a third of the olive oil into the blender until it moves by itself and is in smaller chunks. Take a break to enjoy the devastation HVØSCH is unleashing on your earholes.
3. Add the nettles and slowly add in the rest of the oil as it’s processing until it moves by itself. If you’re doing this by hand, godspeed. It should be a little bit chunky, not a purée. Adjust lemon and salt to taste.

Look at this poseur with gloves and scissors to decapitate the local delicious pests. Probably also picked some öyster mushrooms to saute with the pesto pasta.

This goes really well with homemade pasta, or regular ass pasta too. I’ve even made pasta with a tablespoon of this pesto in the dough for flavor. You know I like to go all extra when I do stuff like this. It would be nice in a layered pasta bake, pizza base, or even just as a dip. 

Nettles are one of those strange items I never thought I’d eat, but working in the kitchens taught me otherwise. We would receive these in the summer and have an all-prep-crew picking party, where each of us would triple up on nitrile gloves and pick the leaves from the huge bundles we’d receive. Three pillow sized bags would yield about 8 qts of leaves, which would yield about 3 qts of blanched nettles for service. They were served on a pizza with a cheese base, probably with chicken and sun-dried tomatoes. I loved snacking on the blanched nettles, they taste “green” like chlorophyll and earthy on their own. 

I’ve always been extremely cautious about foraging since I’ve moved to WA. When I lived in Southern California, a barren wasteland, there wasn’t much to pick that wasn’t on private property that wasn’t citrus. Since moving to WA, I’ve found myself identifying and picking mainly fruit trees, berry bushes, and a few varieties of mushrooms. I’m still learning a lot about our environment up here and what can be used. Always ask permission on private property before picking, and follow the rules if it’s a national park. I’ve found that everyone and their mother has some kind of a fruit bearing tree in their yard, so ask your local Buy Nothing or neighborhood page. I do what I can to divert produce from rotting on the floor of someone’s yard while simultaneously saving myself a lot of money for my hobbies.

Chopping Block Chicken or Turkey Stock

WFMH

Listening to: The Bees Made Honey in The Lion’s Skull- Earth

No two batches of turkey stock will look the same.

Whole turkey or chicken make for a few great meals and then gives the gift of bones for stock. Get in the habit of saving bones from your bird meals, including rotisserie chickens, but maybe not fried. It’s okay if there’s some meat or connective parts on the bone, it makes for a more flavorful stock.  

Make a whole bunch to pressure can for shelf stable goodness or freeze if you don’t have access to a pressure canner. 

Turkey or Chicken Stock- Yields 7 qts

  • 3-5 ziplock bags of bones you’ve saved up in the freezer
  • 1-2 ziplock bags of vegetable scraps you’ve saved in the freezer (onion peels, carrot peels and butts, celery butts, non-cruciferous odds and ends). If you didn’t save scraps, use a few whole veggies like onions, carrots, and celery.
  • Aromatic herbs of your choice: a small handfull of peppercorns, bay leaves, a bouquet of thyme or sage. Whatever you have on hand will be okay.

Special Equipment: Large stock pot, pressure canner (or lots of tupperware for freezing), chinois or other kind of strainer.

0. Have the foresight to save bones from turkey or chicken. Any meat or fatty bits on there add more flavor. Like in the Vegetable Stock recipe, save some veggies too. If you don’t have freezer space to hold your would-be compost, you can scale this down significantly. 

1. Roast the bones in the oven at 400F for an hour or two. Break the smaller bones for bonus points. This is an optional step, but deepens the flavor of your stock. 

2. Place the bones and veggies in the stock pot, cover with water. Set it on medium-high or high setting to get it simmering. It shouldn’t boil, get that sucker on low and slow to keep the temp just right. Simmer that stock for at least 6 hours, some people go for as long as 48 hours. I usually find a happy medium at 12-16 hours for my stock. 

3. Strain the stock into heat-resistant containers. Discard the veggies and herbs into your compost pile, and bones in trash. Skim some of the fat off the top of the stock. Save that shit, that’s shmaltz! Use instead of butter or lard in other recipes. If you wanted to get all of it off, refrigerate the stock for a few hours or overnight. The fat comes right off. The broth should be gelatinous and wiggly when it’s chilled, that means you did it right. All of that collagen is what the hipsters pay up the ass for in their expensive little bottles of “bone broth”. 
At this stage you can freeze the broth into pint containers or in ice cube trays for a tablespoon at a time. It keeps in the fridge for about a week, any longer and it gets fizzy in my experience. Continue on if you want to learn to can your magical fluids.

4. Prepare the pressure canner according to manufacturer instructions. Bring the fat-skimmed stock to a boil. Ladle the stock into the clean jars , leaving 1 in of headspace. Give them a lil rim job with a towel and place the two piece lid. One full canner load is usually 7 quarts or 10 pints, use whichever jars will work better for your needs. Pressure can for 20 minutes for pints, or 25 minutes if using quarts. The clock starts when you hit the psi needed for your elevation, 0-1000 ft is 11 psi. Let the canner depressurize on its own and remove the jars. Listen to those beautiful lids ping, it makes your bits tingly. 

Adapted from a test and USDA approved recipe. Normally when you can vegetables, peels are removed to prevent bacteria from growing, but since these peels are strained out, they are safe to use.

Well it’s been a long goddamn time since I’ve posted anything, my b. It’s a snowy day here in WA, so enjoy and make Turkey Soup or something with this recipe.

Turkey Soup- Carcass and all!

WFMH

Listening to: Necroticism- Carcass

Turkey soup ready for the dark winter nights when you’re too lazy to make lunch or dinner.

Turkey is cheap right now, so grab a few if you can and freeze until you’re ready to can. Canning soup is easy to do if you prep your vegetables ahead of time and assembly-line your process. Pressure can for 75 min for pints, 90 min for quarts at 11psi (or higher depending on your elevation). If you don’t have a pressure canner, DO NOT try to make these shelf-stable, just freeze them instead. 

Turkey Soup- Scale up or down as needed

Veggies: celery cut 1/4″ thick, peeled carrots in thin rounds, diced onions. I think those should be a part of almost every soup. You could add just about any vegetable you want, including peeled potatoes, peeled turnips, frozen peas, corn etc. just about whatever floats your little grindcore boat.

Seasonings: 1/2 tsp to 1 tsp per jar depending on how salty your stock is. I added 1/2 t thyme and half a bay leaf in each jar. 

Meat: Meat for soup can be either raw or cooked about 2/3 of the way. It’s all going to be pressure canned for the same time anyway, so I just do it all raw and some cooked meat I have on hand. If you’re going to be freezing the soup, obviously cook it all the way through so you don’t give extra offerings to the porcelain gods. Use leftover Thanksgiving meat for this if you’d like

Broth: I used chicken broth I had canned previously. You’re going to need at least 1/2 of the volume of soup to be broth. Store bought is sacrilege, if you need to wait until the turkey broth is ready, please do so. The raw turkey will make a little bit of its own broth in here, but if you need to use store bought, go for turkey. Keep it simmering while you fill the jars so it’s ready to go. 

Special Equipment: Pressure canner. I repeat, Do Not Attempt to Can Low Acid Foods Without A PRESSURE CANNER <3 

     0a. Buy a whole turkey and get the meat off of it. You can roast it and pick the meat off or just break down the bird raw. Either way, save the bones and fat for the broth you’re definitely making with the carrot peels, onion tops, etc. you’re saving for this. 

 0b. Get the pressure canner ready per manufacturer instructions

  1. Chop up the vegetables and separate them in their own containers. It’s Pinterest AF and sucks for the amount of dishes, but I promise it helps this whole process go faster. Cube the meat into 1″ portions as best as possible. You can separate the dark and white meat if you’re picky. Save extra meat for canning on its own some other time soon.
  2.  Layer the jars: salt and seasonings first, then 1/4 full of meat, then a few tablespoons of each vegetable. Fill each jar up to 1 in from the top. 
  3. Fill each jar with hot broth, leaving 1″ of headroom. Debubble with a rubber spatula or something that won’t hurt the jars, adjust headroom if needed. Fit the two piece lid on there.
  4. Pressure can for 75 minutes for pints, 90 minutes for quarts at 11 psi. The clock starts when it comes to the indicated pressure. Turn the heat off when the timer is done, let the canner depressurize on its own. Do not try to “help it”. Keep the lid on for 10 more minutes when it’s depressurized. This helps prevent “siphoning” or when the jars spit hot broth everywhere because of a sudden temperature change.
Assembly line!

One project I’m working on as I write this is pressure canning an entire frozen turkey. The idea is to cook it just long enough so the meat is cooked, the skin won’t be crispy like oven roasted, but if it’s done right the meat should be nearly falling off the bone. I’m planning on making a bunch more soup, another batch of broth to reuse the bones, and rendering the fat for schmaltz. 

Cherries to Demolish Your Adversaries

WFMH

Listening to: Fate of Norns – Amon Amarth

Bing and Rainier cherries to be enjoyed in the colder months of the year. 

Cherries have lots of vitamins and minerals in them, so let’s beef them up with a bunch of sugar to preserve them. Open a can up before you plan on bludgeoning your foes so you have extra strength. You could also make a pie if you’re not into battling. 

Cherry season is short, usually in the early summer, so stock up for the rest of the year. You’ll be happy you did. I only can sweet cherries, but sour cherries are good to can, too. 

Cherries in Light Syrup- Yields 9 pints

  • 12 lbs sweet cherries, pitted- I have access to Bing and Rainier cherries here in WA. 
  • 2 cups sugar 

Special equipment: water bath canner/large stock pot with lid and rack for the bottom, cherry pitter OR paring knife and pastry tip

0. Prepare the water bath canner, fill with enough water to cover the jars by at least 1″, bring to a boil.

1. Take the stems off and pit the cherries. It’s not *crucial* to do so, but it’s nicer when you open the jar. This is a pain in the ass to do without a cherry/olive pitter, but I found that using a paring knife held in the forefinger and thumb to cut and a round pastry tip wedged on the middle or ring finger to scoop the pit out works too. Use gloves either way, or be prepared to have sticky hands. It’s not that bad if you’re going for an intimidating blood-stained look!
Keep the cherries in water once they’re cut so they don’t start to oxidize. Once the cherries are purchased, try not to move them around too much or they will become bruised. This doesn’t affect their safety as far as canning goes, but if they’re lighter colored Rainier cherries, they might not look as pretty.

2. Prepare syrup: I prefer to can fruit in light syrup. You could use organic fancy juice, water, or heavier syrups, but I feel those affect the flavor of the fruit too much. Just using water sucks any sweetness out of the fruit, which totally blows. Bring 6 cups of water to a boil with the sugar until it is dissolved.  

3. Add the cherries to the boiling syrup. Boil for 5 minutes. Listen to The Pursuit of Vikings during the step, you won’t regret it. 

4. Ladle the cherries into the  clean jars with the syrup, fill to 1/2 in from the top. use a thin spatula or knife to de-bubble the jars. Adjust the headspace if needed. Apply the two-piece lid and ring on gently. 
You’ll probably have extra syrup that’s now flavored with cherries, don’t throw that away! 

5. Process in the water bath for 15 minutes for half-pints or pints, or 20 minutes for quarts. You COULD use a pressure canner for this, but it would probably be best to raw pack them because of the higher temps. Cherries are acidic enough to be processed in the water bath safely. 
Remove from the hot water with tongs with rubber bands or a jar lifter if you’re fancy. Listen for the pings, they’re as beautiful as that melodic death metal you’ve been jamming out to. 

Adapted from a USDA tested and approved source.

Bask in the glory of your hard work. 

These will brighten up your canning closet. You need to hide these from anyone living with you (including yourself), because these are so good you’ll want to just snack on them right away. Save some for the winter to have an out-of-season cherry pie, or on top of ice cream. For the cherry pie, use some of the liquid in the jar with the thickener of your choice (corn starch, Clear Jel, flour, etc.). I believe in you. It’s only about a billion times better than store-bought canned cherries in the off-season, like this one I made for my metalhead buddy Jesse for his 21st birthday four years ago:

Make your friends a birthday pie, with a pie dough you cut-outs of your stenciled hand. This was a hit, even though I used store-bought canned cherries in April. It’s the thought that counts. 

Like I mentioned earlier, you could use any kind of sugar/sweetener solution, but I prefer light syrup. It helps the fruit retain their color and flavor without it being liquid diabetes. I might look into steam juicing cherries in the future and canning them in their own liquid, but only if I found a good deal on cherries or found a tree to pick.  Here is a guide I follow for ratios. 

This summer my canning habit really took off with cherries. In Washington we get good quality Bing, Rainier, and sour cherries in particular, they’re a really good deal at ethnic markets and at the stands scattered around, usually run by Native women. I realized how I don’t really care for them too much during the short season they’re available, but I always want them in the winter and spring. They’ll laugh at you for buying and processing a goofy amount of cherries, but will be silent as you pull out your little jars of sunshine when it’s cold out. 

Future pie material for pals made with superior, canned-with-love cherries. 

Sourdough Waffles

WFMH

Listening to: Terminal -Bongripper (my #1 album of the year)

My waffles aren’t perfect, because no one is. 

Holy goddamn fuck are waffles great. Triple the recipe for freezer waffles that will make your cold, dead heart happy that you planned ahead. Remember the post about sourdough? Here’s something to do with the discard or when you just have too much starter that needs to go. This can also be used for pancake batter, but waffles are obviously better. Fight me. 

SD Waffles- Yields 6 sq ft (or about 7 med waffles)

  • 4.5  cups of sourdough starter, ripe or unfed is fine
  • 1/2 cup vegetable oil
  • 2 eggs, beaten
  • 2 Tbsp sugar
  • 2 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp baking soda + 1 T water, combined
  • 1 Tbsp vanilla or maple extract
  1. Heat up your waffler, stovetop or electric are fine. Take a few tokes at this time, as directed by the devastating riffs you’re taking in.
  2. Whisk all of the ingredients together. The baking soda needs to be combined with some water as it’s the only dry ingredient in this recipe and won’t mix in well if only added dry. If the starter is unfed, add an extra tsp of baking soda or the waffles may not fluff up as much. Add any mix-ins like chocolate chips or fruit at this time.
  3. Bake until golden brown. Be patient, it’s hard to not peek. Take in the devastating riffs for a few minutes. If you’re making them for a meal, don’t expect to make a stack and serve it, they won’t last that long. Cool on a wire rack if meal prepping before freezing in ziplock bags. 

There you have it. Pour the batter on to a griddle if you like pancakes better. Either way, your waffles are better than boxed. The tang the starter brings to the waffles is like no other. Depending on how ripe your starter is, you may need to add more baking soda, or your waffles may suffer from a lack of fluffiness. No matter what, don’t you dare think waffles aren’t metal, they have built in cups to hold the liquid nectar of sin. 

Use as a vessel for your newly found jam and jelly making skills, or in the worst-case scenarios your “I tried” fruit syrup. Line up the condiments you want to use in order of flavor intensity and make a waffle buffet. Host a breakfast of booze night with your favorite battle vest-wearing buddies to show off your skills to show off how cool being domestic can be, without being an elitist prick. 

Waffles were one of the first items I learned to make in bulk. My little round waffle iron I picked up at Goodwill was a champ when I was broke in my first apartment and my freezer needed to be filled with easy breakfasts. I have since paid it forward to someone else who needed one and replaced mine with a square stovetop model I acquired from my dad when he was cleaning out some cabinets. Leggo My Eggos are nostalgic, but these will be your new go-to. 

Sourdough Starter- A Different Kind of Pet

WFMH

Listening to: Rituals- Rotting Christ

My SD starter, lovingly-dubbed Rodger, straight out of the fridge.

Step up your baking pleb, it’s time to learn to use sourdough.

This simple magical goop is made of flour, water, and wild yeast that grows on every surface. Pioneers usually made it by accident by leaving out dough and letting it ferment, this was how bread was leavened before commercial yeast was available. Ask me for a piece of my starter, I am happy to share. If you’re far away, you can make your own. Soon it will become a part of your family and will keep you company. Name your new friend and feast upon its cooked flatulence.

Rodger, 8 hours after the first feed right out of the fridge. Right after this pic was taken, he was fed a second time.

Why keep a sourdough starter if I can just get yeast at the store?

Yeast at the store is just fine and works quickly. Sourdough is much less convenient, but the taste it brings to your baking can’t be matched. There’s so much to learn with sourdough recipes and see how you can make more homemade items. The starter I use isn’t particularly “sour” as with commercial bread, but I can taste the tang when I made crackers or pizza dough. 

If you enjoy experimenting with baking the slower, more old-fashioned way, this is for you. Many recipes will call for commercial yeast as well as starter, so don’t dump your packets or jar of commercial yeast just yet!

How to take care of a starter

  1. Find a good sized glass, ceramic, or food-grade plastic crock for your goo to live in. Depending on how much you need, try for at least 1 or 2 qts. 
  2. “Feed” the starter: Use a food-scale to tare your container and set the units to grams. Add all of the starter you have, add equal parts water and flour, in that order. Add the water first, as you can always remove some if you add too much, THEN the flour, as it it much more difficult to remove once it’s incorporated in the mixture. Make sure to mix it very thoroughly until there are no lumps of flour. The yeast that is in the starter now has food, and will start to foam up. 
  3. Keep an eye on the starter. Sometimes it will open the lid to its container and shit all over your counter if it’s really excited. Once it’s really frothy and bubbly, it’s ripe and ready to use. This can take a few hours, depending on how much it’s been fed. 
  4. Keep the starter in the fridge when you’re not going to use it for a few days. Chilling the starter will let the yeast remain dormant if you’re not going to bake for a while. Make sure to bust it out at least the night before you plan on baking and feed it. 
Rodger, 8 hours after the second feed. At this point, before feeding again I discarded 4.5 cups to make waffles for dinner. Fed what remained a third time.

I have too much starter, wat do, WFMH?

Fear not, young headbanger. For baking purposes, you might only need 100g or so of starter, depending on your recipe. You’re going to have a lot extra. Don’t dump the excess, you savage! Plenty of recipes call for “discard” sourdough or unfed starter. I make focaccia, waffles, crackers, popovers, and plenty of items that use the discard. Those recipes will come in due time, my dude.

The only time you want to throw away your starter is if it gets moldy. That, my brutal buddies, is no bueno. If your starter has been in the fridge for a while, you’ll notice that some of it has separated, a sort of black liquid \m/ on the top, which can just be drained off.

Overnight after the third feed, Rodger is getting frothy and light in texture. Fed for a fourth more time after this pic was taken. 

Bread is an expansive topic and can merit its own metal-themed blog, so I’ll only post the basics and my favorite recipes and let you do the rest of the research if you want to get more into it. King Arthur Flour is definitely an authority I refer back to time after time. You can get as fancy and into the hobby as you want, or just do the basics and you’ll still have homemade delicious bread.

Day 2, from fridge to frothy after 4 feeds. This is where you want the starter to be for baking bread or things that need a strong yeast presence, especially if you don’t want to add commercial yeast.

I acquired my starter from the bakery I used to work for and have since shared chunks of my starter with at least half a dozen pals. I named mine Rodger, he is a part of my little family. 

If your bread isn’t perfect the first few times you make it, don’t worry, just repurpose it. Seasoned croutons, bread crumbs, bread pudding, or French toast are all options to reuse sub-par bread. Worst case scenario the bread isn’t great but your house smells like a home.

Cowboy Candy From Hell

WFMH

Listening to: Cowboys From Hell- Pantera

Cowboy candy is pickled candied jalapenos, but you could use any chilies that float your boat, like serranos, habaneros, or bird’s eye chilies. They’re a great snack and the syrup makes a great meat marinade. Any time you feel like overwhelming your sense of smell and water your eyes, give this a try.

Cowboy Candy- Yields 8 half-pint containers

  • 3 lbs firm fresh chilies
  • 2 cups apple cider vinegar (5% acidity)
  • 6 cups sugar
  • 1/2 t turmeric
  • 1/2 t celery seed
  • 1 T minced garlic
  • 1 t cayenne pepper (optional)

0. Get your water bath ready: In a large stock pot or canner, boil enough water to cover your jars by at least 1 inch.  
1. Slap on some gloves for this activity unless you’re feeling particularly brutal and don’t mind burning your bits. Remove and discard the stems from all the chilies.  Slice them into 1/8-1/4 in rounds as uniformly as possible and set them aside. Knock the seeds out if you want, but I like them. 
2. In a large pot, bring the rest of the ingredients to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer for 5 minutes.
3. Add the peppers and simmer for 4 minutes. At this point in the album it’s probably going to be Heresy, listen to most of that track for this step, if it doesn’t make you want to jump out of a window. 
4. Use a slotted spoon to transfer them into the the clean jars, fill leaving 1/4 in headspace. 
5. Bring the syrup to a hard boil for 6 minutes. Do some air guitar while you wait and make your best Phil face. 
6. Ladle the boiling liquid into the jars. Knock air bubbles out of the chilies and adjust the headspace if needed. Give those guys a lil’ rim job and fix the two piece lids to finger tightness. Process in the rolling boiling water for 10 minutes for half-pints, or 15 minutes if you’re using pints. Lift them out of the water and listen to those sweet pings of glory. 

You can eat them right away or wait a few weeks for the flavor to settle, they become milder over time. Adapted from a mommy blog, but apparently has the best recipe out there. 

I’m on a few canning groups and forums and everyone is always posting this recipe. I was skeptical of the hype, but it’s pretty good. They’re great as snacks or as a condiment in whatever dish you feel like. 

Cowboys From Hell was my first Pantera album, if I could relive listening to that album for the first time again, I’d probably cry. It was one of the most magical moments of my adolescence. It was a time of many first listens to classic heavy metal albums and this one in particular energized me and made me want to tear through the house breaking things, which I definitely did not act on. 

I don’t support Phil Anselmo and his shitty views, I always make sure it’s a non-affiliated Youtube link when I do partake. Metal has historically had some unsavory folks make a bad name for us, but we don’t let those people take over the genre. Let’s not be dicks to each other and keep metal inclusive for everyone. That shouldn’t be a controversial stance. RIP the Abbott brothers.

Woah Black Berry! Bramble Jam

WFMH

Listening to: Salt- Khôrada

Ignore the dumb “Elizabeth Sylvester” name on there, Well Fed Metalhead made this!

Here in the Pacific Northwest, Himalayan blackberries are invasive and every summer we need to do our part to prevent their prickly take-over by stealing their fruit, mashing them up with sugar and lemon juice and making condiments for your toast. 

Blackberry Jam- Yields 12 ea 1/2 pint jars

  • 9 cups of raw whole blackberries, mashed should yield 5.5 cups of fruit. Pick these yourself or you’ll be paying an arm and a leg at the store.
  • 1 package of Sure Jell pectin 
  • 1/4 cup lemon juice, from a bottle. Heresy, I know. The pH is more consistent store-bought. This is optional, but it’s recommended for additional acidity and preserves the beautiful color.
  • 7 cups of sugar, less if using no-sugar pectin

Special Equipment: Heavy bottomed stock pot for the jam, stock pot with a rack on the bottom or canner.

1a. Gather your metalhead buddies, arrange for a nice wholesome outing to gather the fruiting bodies of the pest plants. Compare your battle vests and do your best to not get the berry blood on there or it might stain, alternatively you could stain the vests to look more badass than you already are. Be sure to wash the berries thoroughly and remove any stems. Take turns punching the berries until they’re a mash.
1b. Fill the canner with water, 1 in higher than the top of the jam jars, bring to a boil. Put a plate in the freezer. Sounds weird, but stick with me here.
1. Deicide if you want to de-seed the jam or not, thus turning it into jelly. I choose not to. If you do, heat the berries until they’re nearly boiling and run them through a food mill or fine mesh sieve. Discard the seeds. 
2. Bring the fruit blood to a boil with the lemon juice and pectin, stir them vigorously to make sure the pectin doesn’t clump. Use a wooden flat-bottom spoon or a rubber spatula to stir, making sure there are no spots to burn. Cook for a few minutes.
3. Dump all of the sugar in at once and stir it until it’s all combined. Bring it to a hard boil for 3 minutes. Remove from the heat.
4. Skim off the foam and save it in a side dish for snacks. It’s harmless, but is not A E S T H E T I C when opening a jar. If you’re going this far, might as well do it right. 
5. Test for jell. Remove the plate from the freezer and drip some of the jam on there. If the jam wrinkles when you push your finger through it, it’s good to go. If not, cook for a few more minutes and try again. Worst case scenario it will be a bit runny and still make your waffles taste great. 
6. Fill the jars using a funnel (if you have one), leaving 1/4″ headspace from the top. Give those jars a quick rim job to ensure a good seal. Place the two part lid on there and place them in the canner. Process for 10 minutes in the boiling water. Remove them and listen to that sweet song of the lids popping, it’s what keeps you going.

Adapted from a tested and USDA approved source
I happen to like processing my jars a little longer than the recommended 5 minutes, I’m a bit more conservative that way.

This is why I look forward to August: blackberry picking season. When I first moved to the PNW in 2011, one of my relatives who lives on the Washington peninsula introduced canning to me via applesauce, pears in syrup, and blackberry jam. Canning seemed like such an intimidating process, but I took home some of her jam and plotted how I could do it with limited resources. I made 72 ea 1/2 pint containers of blackberry jam this year, and is how I got sucked into the hobby. Most of these are given away as gifts, but my spouse definitely has a good supply for a while.

I started canning as a way to give my friends and relatives inexpensive homemade gifts, and I’ll admit I didn’t really know what I was doing for the first year or so. This is a fascinating hobby for me, as it’s a whole different style of cooking than I’m used to. My Xmas list is all set this year. I’m happy to share my hoard and would like to monetize it at some point in the future with a license and all that.

Water bath canning is a great way to get introduced to the hobby. Jam, jellies, and acidified foods like tomato sauce are good starting points. Pressure canning isn’t necessarily “advanced” as much as it is getting over the fear of blowing up your kitchen. That literally won’t happen unless you leave the heat on full blast and go take a walk.

Follow tested and approved recipes from NCFHP.edu, pickyourown.org, Ball Canning Book, etc. Don’t bother with Pinterest and mommy blogs unless they site a source for their recipes. There’s a lot of bad advice out there. If you want to go “off book”, make sure you understand the science behind canning and learn WHY there are rules. I agree to some extent about the “gubbment” trying to destroy grandma’s recipes, and things that are not approved for canning probably just haven’t been tested for safety. I choose not to fuck with it too much. I’ll clearly mark  my “rebel canning” things here the rare times I do. Your kitchen, your rules, but if you’re a first timer listen to the tried and true recipes first.

Edit: It’s only fitting that I was listening to Khôrada while making this jam, because I have celebrity endorsement from Don Anderson (guitarist for Agalloch, Khôrada). Here is his breakfast after I gave him a jar at the Seattle show. He had previously helped me with a paper for an English class in 2015 and I promised him a thank you gift, I’m glad I was able to meet him to do so.